ATTN: Jersey Guidettes - We Really Don't Think You're Hot

Yes, there are a few admirable traits the guidettes have. They have the slutty clothes and the attitude that boasts they'll do anything after a few shots of Patron. As for the other 90% of their characteristics, disgusting. Disgusting.

What once was a sweet hometown Italian princess from the suburbs of Northern New Jersey has become an embarassment and cross to bear for her family. She once had flowing brunette hair, a French manicure at seventeen, and a soft coat of makeup highlighting her real features. Her skin was pure and fair with freckles on it. She had a smaller chest, but it was hers, not Doctor Shapiro's.

At some point she felt she should start transforming into a beastly man-guido by tanning heavily, unnecessarily shaping her eyebrows, plumping her lips full of collagen, and piercing her cheek bones. Additionally, her hair has been turned into a morbid black and already looks like it's falling out due to all of the cheap hairspray she puts in it. She has become trash.

Yet, this group of girls in Northern New Jersey, now known as the Guidette Who-ores, actually believe they're the cream of the crop. They dress in slutty outfits they have no business wearing and look like transexual pirate hookers. Perhaps it's because they are part of a much larger culture that relies on heavy drinking at night clubs as a form of socialization. They think they're hot because they wake up the next morning with a juicehead. But I assure you, once the juicehead takes one look at her, he is jumping out of the fucking window in disgust and terror.

To You Snookie look-alikes and other Guidette Freaks: Stop tanning. You look like a promiscuous Oompa Loompa. Also, stop spray-tanning. It's not an improvement. Take off the fake nails. They fall off in our beds and are a bitch to find and clean up the next morning. Stick to one or two coats of makeup, not seven. You look like the Bride of Frankenstein on steroids when you poof your hair. Stop watching  Jersey Shore.

As for the slutty clothes... Okay, we'll let you have that one.