True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.

It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.

Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.

Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!

Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.

Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."

You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.

Bar Etiquette 101: Fake It Til You Make It

Sometimes it's boring going to the same bar or lounge every week. It gets tiring seeing the same types of faces, and ordering the same Jack and Coke on a Friday night. Once in a while, you have to shake things up.

Some of the best nights I've ever had was under a different alias, or fake identity. For example, instead of going as yourself, go as an exaggerated version of yourself. Tell a few of the hottest girls you normally wouldn't go up to that you're a plastic surgeon, or a talent agent from Hollywood. When they ask you where your card is, tell them you left it in your Bentley. Even if the girls think you're COMPLETELY full of shit, which they most likely will, you might end up charming one or two of them. Creativity never ceases to fail, gentlemen.

But if you really feel ballsy, try this move. You're at a cool, trendy spot filled with young hotties in the midst of Spring. In the front of the entrance, where the hostess checks you in, there's usually a supply of business cards with the bar's name and general contact information on it. Take one or two and slide it in your pocket.

Now, take those cards, grab your chosen wing man and approach a few hotties at the bar. When they make eye contact, slap down a card, look them directly in the eyes and tell her you own the bar. Then proceed to tell the bartender to get them whatever they want and that it's on the house. The look and see that the girls are completely shocked and turned on and walk away. It's a feeling of complete ego fulfillment, and even though you're totally full of shit, you've turned an otherwise average Friday into a narcissistic accomplishment based on lies and deceit.