True Hollywood Stories: Japanese Gangster Master Shredder

Since being attacked by a opium-addicted rat in 1970s Japan, mid-level drug dealer Oroku Saki a.k.a. Master Shredder sought out to build an empire. He began as a two-bit hustler in Sendai, Japan selling opium to lowlife degenerates and bums. Upon one of his collections, his integrity truly came into question when he was ninja-kicked in the face by diseased mutant rodent, Splinter. Shredder's life would never be the same.

He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.

Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.

Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.

Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.

With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.

It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.

Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.

Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!

Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.

Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."

You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.