Winter Vacation for Broke Yuppies

It's tough to say whether or not the economy is getting better. Right now, the market is at a high we haven't seen in years. Spending in October has been in the positive. Yet the percentage of Americans saving is very low. With the holiday season approaching, single yuppies and young couples are mulling over whether or not to take advantage of vacation time. "Are we really going to spend our Christmas bonus on a trip to the Caribbean this year?" and "Do we have any money left after holiday shopping to even get away for a weekend?" are questions that will be asked frequently this year.



The term staycation is not a newly-coined term. However, it has been spat out and taken advantage more than usual lately. Here are some alternative ideas of how to give yourself a break this holiday season without breaking into the piggy bank:

1. Treat yourself to a day or two at a day spa. The hassle of traveling can be stressful alone. Instead of spending thousands on a week away to a vacation spot, spend two days at a local spa getting massages. If you're near NYC, try visiting Spa Castle in Queens. It's the Six Flags of day spas. It includes a massive heated pool with a swim-up bar plus more square footage of rub-down areas than anywhere you've ever seen.

2. Take advantage of promotions offered by timeshare companies. Yes, there is a catch. No, you don't have to buy into it. Now, more than ever timeshare companies are desperate for your business. Especially if you're a early to mid-twenties young professional, you've most likely received a sales call, e-mail, or promotional letter/package in the mail offering a free weekend stay for your and a guest to a world-renown resort. The bonus is IT'S FREE! The catch? Timeshare companies offer you a luxurious stay a five-star resort in exchange for 2-3 hours of your life by boring you with a presentation in hopes you will buy a timeshare that you are locked into for life. This may be a very cheap alternative to spending mucho dinero on a vacation through a travel agency. WARNING: By any means, do NOT buy into sales representatives' cheap sales talk. You do not want to buy a timeshare if you're trying to save money.

3. Block out humanity. Yes, you have to endure crazy Uncle Steve's talks about his political views and tolerate your family's company for Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukah. But once the circus is wrapped up, treat yourself to yourself. Spend the next couple of weeks going to the gym or simply locking yourself in your apartment to relax. Do things for yourself that don't require you to spend time or attention on other people. That is considered by some the greatest type of vacation of all to some people.

How to Write a Superhero Movie and make a Bajillion Dollars

Since the historic release of Spider-Man in 2002 there has been an immense demand for superhero movies by moviegoers. It used to be that the occasional Superman or Batman movie would ring in dollars at the box office, with several duds failing to sell tickets (The Phantom, anybody?)

Since the early 00's however, we have seen franchises spread like wildfire. Movies like Spider-Man, Hulk, and Iron-Man have collectively earned billions of dollars in revenue. However, as these movies gain public attention and interest, many speculators notice a similar repetitive trait: All of these movies have the same story.

Rather than cite examples, let's take a look at the overall pattern/steps involved in order to make a popular franchise:

1. Introduce a struggling, yet likable protagonist. This person doesn't necessarily have to be a weakling or a nerd, but there is something flawed that the protagonist will learn to overcome through the course of his/her arc.

2. Introduce the emerging, rising-in-power antagonist. The enemy, or villain of the story possesses traits completely opposite of the antagonist. This makes for golden relationship between good and evil since the two characters will oppose, yet complement each other throughout the film. You will see as the antagonist usually starts with the most power and eventually loses it, while the protagonist, or hero starts at rock bottom and has to learn the honorable way to gain and use his/her newly-founded power(s) correctly.

3. A life-changing moment for the protagonist occurs. After we see as the protagonist takes some hits in his/her personal life, whether it be getting beat up by the school bull, or meandering through an empty mansion lonely and hopeless, or watching his/her parents shot to death in an alley, there comes a pivotal change. Something snaps inside of the protagonist either physically or psychologically that drives him/her to his/her destiny: to be a hero. Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man after being bit by a mutant spider. Tony Stark becomes Iron-Man after he learns to use his intelligence to survive by making a suit made of scrap metal. Steve Rogers becomes Captain America after he is physically morphed into a supreme being by modern science. All of these circumstances are different, yet extreme and vital.

4. The Love Interest begins to surface. Maybe he/she was introduced as the unattainable crush in the beginning. Usually, however, the love interest begins noticing the protagonist when the powers are acquired. This love interest will be very important to the rest of the story as it continues and will most likely be a distraction to the hero's mission.

5. The protagonist and antagonist both grow in powers and capabilities. While the hero is learning how to use his/her powers and work out all of the leftover kinks, the villain is devising and building on his/her master plan. Expect more deaths as the hero is still training for greatness.

6. The confrontation between good and evil occurs. This may or not be planned but at some point, usually when a crime led by the antagonist is being committed, there is a dramatic showdown that will be the first in a building series of battles between good and evil. Expect an explosion and the first time a hero may fall on his face.

7. Obstacles and Hard Decisions Ahead. The hero will gain interest in stopping his enemy, the antagonist. Research and side missions will be done in order to see what the villain's master plan is. Meanwhile there will be challenges in the protagonist's personal life such as keeping secrets and letting people close to into his/her life. Expect the protagonist to fall on his/her face multiple times awaiting a final battle.

8. The final battle. The villain has perfected his/her master plan and welcomes the hero into the evil layer or location where everything is about to go down. Expect the villain to use bait for the hero. Perhaps a loved one is involved (usually the love interest). The hero will make tough decisions including what is more important: protecting the person/people he/she loves or putting an end to his/her enemy. Either way the villain will be temporarily or permanently stopped and the hero's journey will be over.

9. One Final Sacrifice. Let's say the hero has won. He/she has put an end to evil, at least for now and the city or surrounding area is safe from crime. Will the hero return or hang up his/her cape and lead a normal life? Most likely, especially if you want a sequel for God's sake, the hero will turn his back on a normal life and continue to secretly or publicly fight injustice. Personal sacrifices may have to be made such as steering clear of his one and only true love in order to protect him/her.

10. Don the suit and tease them with the goods. Will there be a new suit in the sequel? Or a new villain? If you work it into the final scene without being too cheesy, you can really get the audience creaming its pants with a sneak peek of what to expect in the next film. At least show the hero in full costume to hint at more adventures ahead.

There you go. This is all you need to know. Ten easy steps. 90-120 pages. Try to muster in some originality, obviously, but it's really this easy.

The Bottom Line: The NEW New Movie Industry

There was brief time- let's say a little over thirty years ago- when a surge of creativity and originality blasted onto the big screen. The era for mega-budget blockbusters was born, and movies like JAWS, Star Wars, and E.T. set the standard for how a filmmaker can create not only a movie, but a timeless franchise.


We see movies that were made in 1977 such as Star Wars, and realize that sequels and prequels are still gaining George Lucas and Twentieth Century Fox more and more of a revenue stream.

Now in 2011, everything is being remade and sequel/prequel-ized. This year we have seen yet another X-Men movie, another Pirates of the Caribbean Movie, and soon to come out this Friday, Captain America, a seventy-year old franchise character, will take the number one spot for new box office releases.

Are you wondering about the ORIGINAL movies that have come out this summer? Apart from a fresh breath of air in the comedy apartment (nod to Horrible Bosses), there really hasn't much to run home about.

Perhaps the most enjoyable movie of the summer was Super 8. Yet while it was entertaining and amusing to watch, I couldn't help but think that I was viewing a hybrid of ET, JAWS, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

Has Hollywood legitimately run out of ideas? Or are they simply manipulating and milking the general public into thinking that you can keep updating and cleaning up old classics? I know if I was a douche bag Hollywood executive, I would probably want to take the easy way out myself and remake Titanic. You just add a few new cast members, make the ship explode instead of sink, and have Daft Punk do the new soundtrack.

Spring Break for Yuppies

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Dumbfuck Consumer Report: Sony Versus Everyone Else

SONY has recently released its newest brainchild: the Stupid Piece of Shit. SONY will compete with reputable companies such as SAMSUNG and LG. While SONY's competitors have a leg-up on design, quality, affordability, and overall value, SONY has proven to be superior with its fancy advertising and marketing strategy. SONY's marketing strategy continues proving to be as effective as political propaganda in 1930s Germany.

But what makes SONY particularly advantageous to the everyday consumer is its lack of backwards compatibility (PS3), unnecessary light-dimming effects and menu pop-ups (Bravia TV) and lifetime warranty (product usually lights on fire or becomes obsolete within six months).

Thanks again SONY, you capitalist bastards.

True Hollywood Stories: Japanese Gangster Master Shredder

Since being attacked by a opium-addicted rat in 1970s Japan, mid-level drug dealer Oroku Saki a.k.a. Master Shredder sought out to build an empire. He began as a two-bit hustler in Sendai, Japan selling opium to lowlife degenerates and bums. Upon one of his collections, his integrity truly came into question when he was ninja-kicked in the face by diseased mutant rodent, Splinter. Shredder's life would never be the same.

He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.

Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.

Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.

Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.

With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.

It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.

Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.

Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!

Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.

Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."

You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.