Friday, April 15, 2011
Dumbfuck Consumer Report: Sony Versus Everyone Else
SONY has recently released its newest brainchild: the Stupid Piece of Shit. SONY will compete with reputable companies such as SAMSUNG and LG. While SONY's competitors have a leg-up on design, quality, affordability, and overall value, SONY has proven to be superior with its fancy advertising and marketing strategy. SONY's marketing strategy continues proving to be as effective as political propaganda in 1930s Germany.
But what makes SONY particularly advantageous to the everyday consumer is its lack of backwards compatibility (PS3), unnecessary light-dimming effects and menu pop-ups (Bravia TV) and lifetime warranty (product usually lights on fire or becomes obsolete within six months).
Thanks again SONY, you capitalist bastards.
But what makes SONY particularly advantageous to the everyday consumer is its lack of backwards compatibility (PS3), unnecessary light-dimming effects and menu pop-ups (Bravia TV) and lifetime warranty (product usually lights on fire or becomes obsolete within six months).
Thanks again SONY, you capitalist bastards.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
True Hollywood Stories: Japanese Gangster Master Shredder
Since being attacked by a opium-addicted rat in 1970s Japan, mid-level drug dealer Oroku Saki a.k.a. Master Shredder sought out to build an empire. He began as a two-bit hustler in Sendai, Japan selling opium to lowlife degenerates and bums. Upon one of his collections, his integrity truly came into question when he was ninja-kicked in the face by diseased mutant rodent, Splinter. Shredder's life would never be the same.
He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.
Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.
Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.
Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.
With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.
Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.
Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.
Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.
With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.
It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.
Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.
Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!
Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.
Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."
You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.
It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.
Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.
Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!
Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.
Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."
You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.
Bar Etiquette 101: Fake It Til You Make It
Sometimes it's boring going to the same bar or lounge every week. It gets tiring seeing the same types of faces, and ordering the same Jack and Coke on a Friday night. Once in a while, you have to shake things up.
Some of the best nights I've ever had was under a different alias, or fake identity. For example, instead of going as yourself, go as an exaggerated version of yourself. Tell a few of the hottest girls you normally wouldn't go up to that you're a plastic surgeon, or a talent agent from Hollywood. When they ask you where your card is, tell them you left it in your Bentley. Even if the girls think you're COMPLETELY full of shit, which they most likely will, you might end up charming one or two of them. Creativity never ceases to fail, gentlemen.
But if you really feel ballsy, try this move. You're at a cool, trendy spot filled with young hotties in the midst of Spring. In the front of the entrance, where the hostess checks you in, there's usually a supply of business cards with the bar's name and general contact information on it. Take one or two and slide it in your pocket.
Now, take those cards, grab your chosen wing man and approach a few hotties at the bar. When they make eye contact, slap down a card, look them directly in the eyes and tell her you own the bar. Then proceed to tell the bartender to get them whatever they want and that it's on the house. The look and see that the girls are completely shocked and turned on and walk away. It's a feeling of complete ego fulfillment, and even though you're totally full of shit, you've turned an otherwise average Friday into a narcissistic accomplishment based on lies and deceit.
Bar Etiquette 101: Don't Get Bounced From The Fifth
It's Saturday night. You've just been told about the newest trend spot in the city. Let's just call it The Fifth for now. You're rolling with two other dudes and you're skeptic about getting in. It's only a couple hours before your taxi arrives and you want to make sure you have all your bases covered so you and your two GUY friends get in. Sounds simple, right? Wrong.
The most obvious reason you will not get in with your friends is the fact that you have no chicks on your arm. Every club tries to keep the girl-to-guy ration in favor of the female gender. However, there are a few things that bouncers and door men look out for that aren't as obvious to us men. Most of us guys believe that we look, walk, and talk the proper way for any lounge or night club. Here are some of the less obvious indicators that bouncers will turn you away for.
1. Dress Code. It's different everywhere. Not everywhere is like Los Angeles where you can wake up, not shower, and wear a sweat shirt to the red carpet. While places like LA and certain parts of NYC tend to forgive a slightly more bohemian style, nightlife capitals such as Las Vegas and Miami Beach will throw you right the fuck out. If you thought a striped Polo button-down, jeans, and ALDO shoes were adequate in getting you in the club, think again. Hint: You can never go wrong with a solid button-down and suit jacket. This look will always insure that you at least look the part. It's a staple look for Miami. It works in Vegas. And it certainly makes you look sharp everywhere else. Biggest No? Never wear sneakers. Anywhere.
2. Sobriety: Unfortunately, bouncers are trained to spot an insurance liability. Let's say you're the leader of your wolf pack and your friends are half-bombed to a drunken stupor; your chances of getting in, no matter how well you dressed have just been slashed to a marginal chance. Every bouncer knows that if you can't handle your shit on the line, there's bound to be a problem inside. Pace yourself, guys. The inside is worth the wait.
3. Anticipation: Yes, it's a very exciting feeling when you're about to get in the night club. But there's always that guy that keep asking the door man every five seconds, "How long do you think it'll be?" Just like a child, the parent (bouncer) gets more and more agitated until that rope is closed off to you and your pals for good. Keep your crew under control and be patient. Eventually, the bouncer will notice you're cool and not likely to cause a scene, and let you in out of respect.
So, it doesn't take a bribe or acting like a pretentious dickhead to get into a club. Clubs and lounges, in this modern day and age, were designed to let a more inclusive crowd in. It's only the drunk and/or stupid scumbags you see kicked to the curb, not necessarily your average Joe.
The most obvious reason you will not get in with your friends is the fact that you have no chicks on your arm. Every club tries to keep the girl-to-guy ration in favor of the female gender. However, there are a few things that bouncers and door men look out for that aren't as obvious to us men. Most of us guys believe that we look, walk, and talk the proper way for any lounge or night club. Here are some of the less obvious indicators that bouncers will turn you away for.
1. Dress Code. It's different everywhere. Not everywhere is like Los Angeles where you can wake up, not shower, and wear a sweat shirt to the red carpet. While places like LA and certain parts of NYC tend to forgive a slightly more bohemian style, nightlife capitals such as Las Vegas and Miami Beach will throw you right the fuck out. If you thought a striped Polo button-down, jeans, and ALDO shoes were adequate in getting you in the club, think again. Hint: You can never go wrong with a solid button-down and suit jacket. This look will always insure that you at least look the part. It's a staple look for Miami. It works in Vegas. And it certainly makes you look sharp everywhere else. Biggest No? Never wear sneakers. Anywhere.
2. Sobriety: Unfortunately, bouncers are trained to spot an insurance liability. Let's say you're the leader of your wolf pack and your friends are half-bombed to a drunken stupor; your chances of getting in, no matter how well you dressed have just been slashed to a marginal chance. Every bouncer knows that if you can't handle your shit on the line, there's bound to be a problem inside. Pace yourself, guys. The inside is worth the wait.
3. Anticipation: Yes, it's a very exciting feeling when you're about to get in the night club. But there's always that guy that keep asking the door man every five seconds, "How long do you think it'll be?" Just like a child, the parent (bouncer) gets more and more agitated until that rope is closed off to you and your pals for good. Keep your crew under control and be patient. Eventually, the bouncer will notice you're cool and not likely to cause a scene, and let you in out of respect.
So, it doesn't take a bribe or acting like a pretentious dickhead to get into a club. Clubs and lounges, in this modern day and age, were designed to let a more inclusive crowd in. It's only the drunk and/or stupid scumbags you see kicked to the curb, not necessarily your average Joe.
Bar Etiquette 101: What Not To Order At The Bar
If you ever want a chance with the cocktail waitress or woman sitting two stools down from you at the bar, there's something you should know. A woman will always stare at the drink you order. And ladies, whether you're aware of it or not, you do. While there are many kinds of drinks you can pass off ordering, there are a few you NEED to steer away from.
1. The Flavored Martini: This drink clearly suggests that you are more interested in gossiping than flirting throughout the night. The chick you're staring out will definitely be giving you attention, but not the kind you want. She's more likely to ask you where you get your manicures done. Bottom Line: Feminine Drink.
2. The "Let's Get Wrecked" Shot: There is indeed a difference between a chilled Patron shot and an Irish Car Bomb or Jager Bomb. The difference is suggestion. You are clearly proclaiming to everyone around you that you are that guy. You're the frat boy on a mission to make bad decisions shooting shit that used to be cool: in high school. Show the women around you that you have a little bit more sophistication and are a grown-up. The exception? If it's your buddy's birthday and you want to do a group cheers.
3. The Frozen Concoction: Margaritas and Pina Coladas are reserved for cruise trips and island getaways. It is also the ultimate tourist gesture to act cool by ordering the house special that promises to be delicious and filled with flavor. You're a man of class, not a drunk hillbilly on vacation.
Avoid these three classes of inappropriate drinks, and you really can't go wrong with anything else. Yes, a Scotch makes you look mature. A beer is classic and shows you're a man's man. Wine is even okay in a quiet setting. Just don't order a Cosmopolitan or you're reputation as a straight player will be ruined forever.
1. The Flavored Martini: This drink clearly suggests that you are more interested in gossiping than flirting throughout the night. The chick you're staring out will definitely be giving you attention, but not the kind you want. She's more likely to ask you where you get your manicures done. Bottom Line: Feminine Drink.
2. The "Let's Get Wrecked" Shot: There is indeed a difference between a chilled Patron shot and an Irish Car Bomb or Jager Bomb. The difference is suggestion. You are clearly proclaiming to everyone around you that you are that guy. You're the frat boy on a mission to make bad decisions shooting shit that used to be cool: in high school. Show the women around you that you have a little bit more sophistication and are a grown-up. The exception? If it's your buddy's birthday and you want to do a group cheers.
3. The Frozen Concoction: Margaritas and Pina Coladas are reserved for cruise trips and island getaways. It is also the ultimate tourist gesture to act cool by ordering the house special that promises to be delicious and filled with flavor. You're a man of class, not a drunk hillbilly on vacation.
Avoid these three classes of inappropriate drinks, and you really can't go wrong with anything else. Yes, a Scotch makes you look mature. A beer is classic and shows you're a man's man. Wine is even okay in a quiet setting. Just don't order a Cosmopolitan or you're reputation as a straight player will be ruined forever.
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