Winter Vacation for Broke Yuppies

It's tough to say whether or not the economy is getting better. Right now, the market is at a high we haven't seen in years. Spending in October has been in the positive. Yet the percentage of Americans saving is very low. With the holiday season approaching, single yuppies and young couples are mulling over whether or not to take advantage of vacation time. "Are we really going to spend our Christmas bonus on a trip to the Caribbean this year?" and "Do we have any money left after holiday shopping to even get away for a weekend?" are questions that will be asked frequently this year.



The term staycation is not a newly-coined term. However, it has been spat out and taken advantage more than usual lately. Here are some alternative ideas of how to give yourself a break this holiday season without breaking into the piggy bank:

1. Treat yourself to a day or two at a day spa. The hassle of traveling can be stressful alone. Instead of spending thousands on a week away to a vacation spot, spend two days at a local spa getting massages. If you're near NYC, try visiting Spa Castle in Queens. It's the Six Flags of day spas. It includes a massive heated pool with a swim-up bar plus more square footage of rub-down areas than anywhere you've ever seen.

2. Take advantage of promotions offered by timeshare companies. Yes, there is a catch. No, you don't have to buy into it. Now, more than ever timeshare companies are desperate for your business. Especially if you're a early to mid-twenties young professional, you've most likely received a sales call, e-mail, or promotional letter/package in the mail offering a free weekend stay for your and a guest to a world-renown resort. The bonus is IT'S FREE! The catch? Timeshare companies offer you a luxurious stay a five-star resort in exchange for 2-3 hours of your life by boring you with a presentation in hopes you will buy a timeshare that you are locked into for life. This may be a very cheap alternative to spending mucho dinero on a vacation through a travel agency. WARNING: By any means, do NOT buy into sales representatives' cheap sales talk. You do not want to buy a timeshare if you're trying to save money.

3. Block out humanity. Yes, you have to endure crazy Uncle Steve's talks about his political views and tolerate your family's company for Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukah. But once the circus is wrapped up, treat yourself to yourself. Spend the next couple of weeks going to the gym or simply locking yourself in your apartment to relax. Do things for yourself that don't require you to spend time or attention on other people. That is considered by some the greatest type of vacation of all to some people.

How to Write a Superhero Movie and make a Bajillion Dollars

Since the historic release of Spider-Man in 2002 there has been an immense demand for superhero movies by moviegoers. It used to be that the occasional Superman or Batman movie would ring in dollars at the box office, with several duds failing to sell tickets (The Phantom, anybody?)

Since the early 00's however, we have seen franchises spread like wildfire. Movies like Spider-Man, Hulk, and Iron-Man have collectively earned billions of dollars in revenue. However, as these movies gain public attention and interest, many speculators notice a similar repetitive trait: All of these movies have the same story.

Rather than cite examples, let's take a look at the overall pattern/steps involved in order to make a popular franchise:

1. Introduce a struggling, yet likable protagonist. This person doesn't necessarily have to be a weakling or a nerd, but there is something flawed that the protagonist will learn to overcome through the course of his/her arc.

2. Introduce the emerging, rising-in-power antagonist. The enemy, or villain of the story possesses traits completely opposite of the antagonist. This makes for golden relationship between good and evil since the two characters will oppose, yet complement each other throughout the film. You will see as the antagonist usually starts with the most power and eventually loses it, while the protagonist, or hero starts at rock bottom and has to learn the honorable way to gain and use his/her newly-founded power(s) correctly.

3. A life-changing moment for the protagonist occurs. After we see as the protagonist takes some hits in his/her personal life, whether it be getting beat up by the school bull, or meandering through an empty mansion lonely and hopeless, or watching his/her parents shot to death in an alley, there comes a pivotal change. Something snaps inside of the protagonist either physically or psychologically that drives him/her to his/her destiny: to be a hero. Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man after being bit by a mutant spider. Tony Stark becomes Iron-Man after he learns to use his intelligence to survive by making a suit made of scrap metal. Steve Rogers becomes Captain America after he is physically morphed into a supreme being by modern science. All of these circumstances are different, yet extreme and vital.

4. The Love Interest begins to surface. Maybe he/she was introduced as the unattainable crush in the beginning. Usually, however, the love interest begins noticing the protagonist when the powers are acquired. This love interest will be very important to the rest of the story as it continues and will most likely be a distraction to the hero's mission.

5. The protagonist and antagonist both grow in powers and capabilities. While the hero is learning how to use his/her powers and work out all of the leftover kinks, the villain is devising and building on his/her master plan. Expect more deaths as the hero is still training for greatness.

6. The confrontation between good and evil occurs. This may or not be planned but at some point, usually when a crime led by the antagonist is being committed, there is a dramatic showdown that will be the first in a building series of battles between good and evil. Expect an explosion and the first time a hero may fall on his face.

7. Obstacles and Hard Decisions Ahead. The hero will gain interest in stopping his enemy, the antagonist. Research and side missions will be done in order to see what the villain's master plan is. Meanwhile there will be challenges in the protagonist's personal life such as keeping secrets and letting people close to into his/her life. Expect the protagonist to fall on his/her face multiple times awaiting a final battle.

8. The final battle. The villain has perfected his/her master plan and welcomes the hero into the evil layer or location where everything is about to go down. Expect the villain to use bait for the hero. Perhaps a loved one is involved (usually the love interest). The hero will make tough decisions including what is more important: protecting the person/people he/she loves or putting an end to his/her enemy. Either way the villain will be temporarily or permanently stopped and the hero's journey will be over.

9. One Final Sacrifice. Let's say the hero has won. He/she has put an end to evil, at least for now and the city or surrounding area is safe from crime. Will the hero return or hang up his/her cape and lead a normal life? Most likely, especially if you want a sequel for God's sake, the hero will turn his back on a normal life and continue to secretly or publicly fight injustice. Personal sacrifices may have to be made such as steering clear of his one and only true love in order to protect him/her.

10. Don the suit and tease them with the goods. Will there be a new suit in the sequel? Or a new villain? If you work it into the final scene without being too cheesy, you can really get the audience creaming its pants with a sneak peek of what to expect in the next film. At least show the hero in full costume to hint at more adventures ahead.

There you go. This is all you need to know. Ten easy steps. 90-120 pages. Try to muster in some originality, obviously, but it's really this easy.

The Bottom Line: The NEW New Movie Industry

There was brief time- let's say a little over thirty years ago- when a surge of creativity and originality blasted onto the big screen. The era for mega-budget blockbusters was born, and movies like JAWS, Star Wars, and E.T. set the standard for how a filmmaker can create not only a movie, but a timeless franchise.


We see movies that were made in 1977 such as Star Wars, and realize that sequels and prequels are still gaining George Lucas and Twentieth Century Fox more and more of a revenue stream.

Now in 2011, everything is being remade and sequel/prequel-ized. This year we have seen yet another X-Men movie, another Pirates of the Caribbean Movie, and soon to come out this Friday, Captain America, a seventy-year old franchise character, will take the number one spot for new box office releases.

Are you wondering about the ORIGINAL movies that have come out this summer? Apart from a fresh breath of air in the comedy apartment (nod to Horrible Bosses), there really hasn't much to run home about.

Perhaps the most enjoyable movie of the summer was Super 8. Yet while it was entertaining and amusing to watch, I couldn't help but think that I was viewing a hybrid of ET, JAWS, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

Has Hollywood legitimately run out of ideas? Or are they simply manipulating and milking the general public into thinking that you can keep updating and cleaning up old classics? I know if I was a douche bag Hollywood executive, I would probably want to take the easy way out myself and remake Titanic. You just add a few new cast members, make the ship explode instead of sink, and have Daft Punk do the new soundtrack.

Spring Break for Yuppies

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Dumbfuck Consumer Report: Sony Versus Everyone Else

SONY has recently released its newest brainchild: the Stupid Piece of Shit. SONY will compete with reputable companies such as SAMSUNG and LG. While SONY's competitors have a leg-up on design, quality, affordability, and overall value, SONY has proven to be superior with its fancy advertising and marketing strategy. SONY's marketing strategy continues proving to be as effective as political propaganda in 1930s Germany.

But what makes SONY particularly advantageous to the everyday consumer is its lack of backwards compatibility (PS3), unnecessary light-dimming effects and menu pop-ups (Bravia TV) and lifetime warranty (product usually lights on fire or becomes obsolete within six months).

Thanks again SONY, you capitalist bastards.

True Hollywood Stories: Japanese Gangster Master Shredder

Since being attacked by a opium-addicted rat in 1970s Japan, mid-level drug dealer Oroku Saki a.k.a. Master Shredder sought out to build an empire. He began as a two-bit hustler in Sendai, Japan selling opium to lowlife degenerates and bums. Upon one of his collections, his integrity truly came into question when he was ninja-kicked in the face by diseased mutant rodent, Splinter. Shredder's life would never be the same.

He went home that night and vowed to become the most successful dope dealer the streets had ever seen. But the streets he had in mind were not Sendai.

Supply and demand seemed very simple to Shredder. The city with the most demand for drugs, in his mind, was Manhattan. The supply however, was low. With limited funds at his disposal, he paid off several of his servants, all known as The Foot, to carry out his master plan. Leading The Foot into the gates of a Tokyo-based heroin manufacturing plant, Shredder confronted Drug Kingpin Tatsu.

Tatsu, a bald, middle-aged man of authority, gave Shredder a dramatic stare. The first thing he noticed was the unnecessary attire Shredder wore. Shredder wore a shiny royal purple jumpsuit, much like something Prince would wear. He was also cloaked in a navy cape and steel mask made of scrap metal.

Laughing at a ridiculously costumed drug dealer, Tatsu and his crew of thugs behind him all assumed this was some sort of prank, and not an ambush. Shredder, fumed and insulted, grabbed Tatsu's neck and pulled out his throat with his bare hands. Following this act of gruesome violence, Shredder ordered the Foot to wipe out the rest of Tatsu's crew and transport the mounds of heroin into a rusted cargo ship.

With the cargo ship packed, Shredder and his Foot members set sail for New York City.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

True Hollywood Stories: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter was born as the pet rat of failed ninja and opium addict, Hamato Yoshi. Splinter lived his first few months as a typical rat, eating cheese and running circles around his cage. It wasn't too long however, that Splinter began inhaling the fumes of smoke coming from his owner's opium pipe. The intoxicating aroma of this drug expanded Splinter's mind, and he soon began imitating Hamato's drug-induced martial arts moves. With mental hallucinations, off second-hand smoke, also came physical growth.

It wasn't long before Splinter became more advanced and transformed from an average household rat into a human-like junkie. Unfortunately, Hamato's drug dealer, Shredder had enough and came to collect. Without a dime to his name, Hamato used the only martial arts moves he had left, the ability to fluff.

Shredder, a heterosexual drug dealer, would not budge. Instead, he unloaded multiple shotgun blasts into Hamato's head leaving a junkie rat behind. Splinter would never forget this. Not because he cared for Hamato, but because he would have to withdraw from opium. In a drug-induced rage, Splinter kicked Shredder in the face with his rat foot and bailed town looking for a new home.

Where does a homeless junkie rat retreat to? The New York City Sewer System, of course. There he made home out of a former heroin den after stabbing a bum in the stomach. Splinter was bored with his days until stumbling upon multiple vials of crack cocaine, all consumed by FOUR BABY TURTLES!

Splinter watched as these turtles grew in size after consuming large doses of crack. He gave them all names after gay Renaissance artists: Michaelangelo the Pot-Smoker, Leonardo the Aderal-Sniffer, Donatello the Ecstasy-Taker, and Raphael the Steroid-Injector.

Having the appearance of four stoner teenagers, Splinter immediately taught these turtles how to steal and hustle for opium and miscallaneous drugs. The turtles all wanted to learn martial arts like Splinter's former master Yoshi. Instead, Splinter back-handed them screaming, "No! Too dangerous....."

You can find these turtles in the East Village late at night soliciting sexual favors to supply their master, dope fiend legend Master Splinter.

Bar Etiquette 101: Fake It Til You Make It

Sometimes it's boring going to the same bar or lounge every week. It gets tiring seeing the same types of faces, and ordering the same Jack and Coke on a Friday night. Once in a while, you have to shake things up.

Some of the best nights I've ever had was under a different alias, or fake identity. For example, instead of going as yourself, go as an exaggerated version of yourself. Tell a few of the hottest girls you normally wouldn't go up to that you're a plastic surgeon, or a talent agent from Hollywood. When they ask you where your card is, tell them you left it in your Bentley. Even if the girls think you're COMPLETELY full of shit, which they most likely will, you might end up charming one or two of them. Creativity never ceases to fail, gentlemen.

But if you really feel ballsy, try this move. You're at a cool, trendy spot filled with young hotties in the midst of Spring. In the front of the entrance, where the hostess checks you in, there's usually a supply of business cards with the bar's name and general contact information on it. Take one or two and slide it in your pocket.

Now, take those cards, grab your chosen wing man and approach a few hotties at the bar. When they make eye contact, slap down a card, look them directly in the eyes and tell her you own the bar. Then proceed to tell the bartender to get them whatever they want and that it's on the house. The look and see that the girls are completely shocked and turned on and walk away. It's a feeling of complete ego fulfillment, and even though you're totally full of shit, you've turned an otherwise average Friday into a narcissistic accomplishment based on lies and deceit.

Bar Etiquette 101: Don't Get Bounced From The Fifth

It's Saturday night. You've just been told about the newest trend spot in the city. Let's just call it The Fifth for now. You're rolling with two other dudes and you're skeptic about getting in. It's only a couple hours before your taxi arrives and you want to make sure you have all your bases covered so you and your two GUY friends get in. Sounds simple, right? Wrong.

The most obvious reason you will not get in with your friends is the fact that you have no chicks on your arm. Every club tries to keep the girl-to-guy ration in favor of the female gender. However, there are a few things that bouncers and door men look out for that aren't as obvious to us men. Most of us guys believe that we look, walk, and talk the proper way for any lounge or night club. Here are some of the less obvious indicators that bouncers will turn you away for.

1. Dress Code. It's different everywhere. Not everywhere is like Los Angeles where you can wake up, not shower, and wear a sweat shirt to the red carpet. While places like LA and certain parts of NYC tend to forgive a slightly more bohemian style, nightlife capitals such as Las Vegas and Miami Beach will throw you right the fuck out. If you thought a striped Polo button-down, jeans, and ALDO shoes were adequate in getting you in the club, think again. Hint: You can never go wrong with a solid button-down and suit jacket. This look will always insure that you at least look the part. It's a staple look for Miami. It works in Vegas. And it certainly makes you look sharp everywhere else. Biggest No? Never wear sneakers. Anywhere.

2. Sobriety: Unfortunately, bouncers are trained to spot an insurance liability. Let's say you're the leader of your wolf pack and your friends are half-bombed to a drunken stupor; your chances of getting in, no matter how well you dressed have just been slashed to a marginal chance. Every bouncer knows that if you can't handle your shit on the line, there's bound to be a problem inside. Pace yourself, guys. The inside is worth the wait.

3. Anticipation: Yes, it's a very exciting feeling when you're about to get in the night club. But there's always that guy that keep asking the door man every five seconds, "How long do you think it'll be?" Just like a child, the parent (bouncer) gets more and more agitated until that rope is closed off to you and your pals for good. Keep your crew under control and be patient. Eventually, the bouncer will notice you're cool and not likely to cause a scene, and let you in out of respect.

So, it doesn't take a bribe or acting like a pretentious dickhead to get into a club. Clubs and lounges, in this modern day and age, were designed to let a more inclusive crowd in. It's only the drunk and/or stupid scumbags you see kicked to the curb, not necessarily your average Joe.

Bar Etiquette 101: What Not To Order At The Bar

If you ever want a chance with the cocktail waitress or woman sitting two stools down from you at the bar, there's something you should know. A woman will always stare at the drink you order. And ladies, whether you're aware of it or not, you do. While there are many kinds of drinks you can pass off ordering, there are a few you NEED to steer away from.

 

1. The Flavored Martini: This drink clearly suggests that you are more interested in gossiping than flirting throughout the night. The chick you're staring out will definitely be giving you attention, but not the kind you want. She's more likely to ask you where you get your manicures done. Bottom Line: Feminine Drink.

2. The "Let's Get Wrecked" Shot: There is indeed a difference between a chilled Patron shot and an Irish Car Bomb or Jager Bomb. The difference is suggestion. You are clearly proclaiming to everyone around you that you are that guy. You're the frat boy on a mission to make bad decisions shooting shit that used to be cool: in high school. Show the women around you that you have a little bit more sophistication and are a grown-up. The exception? If it's your buddy's birthday and you want to do a group cheers.

3. The Frozen Concoction: Margaritas and Pina Coladas are reserved for cruise trips and island getaways. It is also the ultimate tourist gesture to act cool by ordering the house special that promises to be delicious and filled with flavor. You're a man of class, not a drunk hillbilly on vacation.

Avoid these three classes of inappropriate drinks, and you really can't go wrong with anything else. Yes, a Scotch makes you look mature. A beer is classic and shows you're a man's man. Wine is even okay in a quiet setting. Just don't order a Cosmopolitan or you're reputation as a straight player will be ruined forever.